No one talks about how heavy depression feels on your body. It is sudden as if a boulder fell on my body. It is painful to move even an inch most days. I feel as if I have to use all of my strength just to get out of bed. I have to give myself a pep talk to get a glass of water. Doing the most mundane task can feel like running a marathon when you have never run more than a mile before.
The worst part about depression is the unknown.
My most depressive episodes are entirely unknown. I can go from having the best day, week, or month and then wake up one day and feel the weight of the world on me. Every time I am hit with a wave of depression it feels worse than the last, but somehow a familiar feeling all at the same time. I try to remember how long the last episode felt or how I pulled myself out of it, but I never have an answer for myself.
It is a defeating feeling.
I am fighting with myself and getting my butt kicked every time. I hate having to fight, but I do it every time because I want to. I have dreams and goals for my life that I would be devastated if I never achieved them. I have accomplished so many goals that I never thought were possible and that is what keeps me going in life. I find myself pushing for bigger and better after each accomplishment.